Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
