If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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