This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
