I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
whose parrot is this?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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