How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
