So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
