THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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