she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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