I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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