i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
