420 ftw
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
