The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
