Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
