I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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