Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
