The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
