Umm I'm too high to move.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
