Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
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Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
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I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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