Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
