No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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