my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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