Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
