Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just cut my nipple shaving
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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