can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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