I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
