Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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