Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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