need another drink. this is the easiest way
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
