And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
