They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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