awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
