Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
