Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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