I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
