I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
