I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
