My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
