I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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