You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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