If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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