Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
