Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
