she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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