what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
