Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
