I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?