Just fell off a train. Bad.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕