Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
