Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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