and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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