It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
