Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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