cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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