Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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